Romance in Afghanistan...

This incredible image is up on the wall in my guesthouse in Kabul. It made me think about the relationships between couples in Afghanistan... Almost every Afghan likes to tell me (with a smile on his face) that the women are the ruling force in most afghans' homes. Yet this can't exactly be true - while the women are probably very strong forces in the home, domestic abuse is also rampant in the country. When I conduct interviews, the men often won't even say the name of their wives, daughters or sisters.... even when I try to push them! I have felt that this is generally more out of feelings of possession than respect....

The dynamics in the homes I have visited are fascinating. The women are generally in another room or on the outskirts of the public 'interview' space . But they often gradually insert themselves into the discussion - sometimes totally taking over the interview. My colleague Erica went to one house and the woman totally silenced the men. Her son had been killed in a suicide bomb attack and her husband and other son had gone to collect the body but had vomited when they'd seen how his body was blown into little bits. They hadn't brought the body home. The woman insisted that SHE would have brought her son home... piece by piece. This woman was clearly empowered by grief and anger - and, understandably, she refused to be silenced.

In other interviews, the men I have talked to have referred to their wives as an economic commodity, adding her up with livestock. I also get told that, when a wife has died, one of the economic problems the man then faces is the cost of remarrying... another wife is a necessary requirement in a household, particularly if there are small children to be cared for.

Of course, as in any culture, relationships between men and women are a complex network of socially-formed and personally-shaped traditions. There is no one model. But one thing is clear.. I would find it tough to be a woman in this society. For one, it has the second highest birth mortality rate in the world. And, in general, women are repressed and silenced and definitely excluded from the public space. Many women still choose to wear the burka, they have told me, just to avoid the aggression of the men in the public arena. They would rather 'hide' in their own space and avoid attracting attention.